Avast, ye filthy porch pirates!

You've had a few good laughs at my expense over the years concerning the alleged prevalence of porch pirates. By most accounts, however, this really is a thing to guard against, or at least that's what the media would have us believe in their annual tales of porch piracy. It came up again recently in the Daily Progress, which ran an article titled "'Tis the season for porch pirates." According to the article, there has been an increase in thefts of packages off of porches. But the article cites to "studies commissioned by companies that sell security systems," which even makes me a little skeptical of the whole phenomenon. It reminds me of the old research paid for by the tobacco industry that supposedly showed that smoking really isn't all that bad for you. Even so, don't say I didn't warn you, mateys.

In fact, after I told my buddy Ed about the fear of porch pirates in our family, he sent me this article about a Colorado porch pirate who stole more than $6,500 worth of stuff from people's porches, including shampoo, ice climbing equipment, and a bed frame. He got nabbed after he was seen swiping a package containing $200 worth of socks from a home in Boulder. Not exactly your typical pirate's booty, and certainly not worth a three-year stint in the hoosegow for felony theft.

And now this article, with actual video evidence of would-be porch pirates caught in the act. Happily, the videos were taken by an inventor who got fed up with having his porch raided. He rigged up a dummy package that sets off a blank shotgun blast when a pirate tries to take the package off his porch. The videos he took, from multiple angles, are priceless.

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This side dish may not keep the porch pirates away, but it might help with holding your family at arm's length during the holiday season, thanks to the "gas-causing properties" of cabbage and the other cruciferous vegetables included in Trader Joe's collection of ready-to-use veggies that I use to make this quick and tasty slaw.

Warm Cruciferous Cranberry Slaw

Adapted from Trader Joe's

2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 (10-ounce) bag Trader Joe’s Cruciferous Crunch Collection
a good pinch of fine sea salt
juice of ½ lemon
a handful of dried cranberries
a handful of toasted sliced almonds or pecan pieces 
shavings of Parmesan, Romano, and/or Asiago cheese

    1. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet or saucier over medium-high heat. Add the Cruciferous Crunch, and sauté until slightly wilted, about 3 minutes.
    2. Scrape the wilted greens into a large bowl. Add the salt, lemon, and cranberries, and toss until everything is coated. Divide the greens among 3 or 4 plates, and sprinkle over the nuts and cheese shavings. Serve warm. Serves 3–4 as a side dish, or add protein and make it a main dish for 2.