“It looks like Chappy took a crappy in my gumbo”

Last week, Dylan texted me a video of Gordon Ramsay making "chille beef lettuce wraps" with the comment that "These are so good. We've made them ~5 times now." My first thought was that we'd obviously have to try these, given the sterling recommendation and how much I appreciate it when you all send me new dishes to try.

 

But then, of course, I immediately thought of Cassie and JC's all-time favorite Gordon Ramsay video from an episode of Kitchen Nightmares, in which Chef Ramsay first destroys the food at Chappy's on Church restaurant in Nashville, then tries to help them do better. (I guess the changes didn't take because Chappy soon reintroduced his old menu, but the restaurant closed after that anyway.) My favorite part is when Chappy "beats the crap" out of a buttery filet mignon with a meat pounder to "tenderize" it as part of some surf-and-turf type dish ("steak and lobster rocket") that went for $36.95, then says "Chef Ramsay is a dumbass" for denigrating his food.

 

The love hormone

After The Destiny Thief, I read The Genius of Birds by Jennifer Ackerman, who still lives in the C'ville area as far as I know. It's a fascinating exploration of the high intelligence of birds displayed in areas such as navigation, bird song, use of tools, and even art. If you want to see an incredible example of a bird's problem-solving skills, check out this video of a New Caledonian crow (nicknamed "007") working quickly through the 8 stages required to get a piece of food out of a narrow tube.

In one chapter, Ackerman discusses the brain circuitry involved in controlling birds' social behavior, which is very similar to what's going on in our brains. The neurons that form the circuits are controlled by molecules called nonapeptides, including oxytocin, which is sometimes called the love or cuddle hormone, because it is released in our brains when we bond socially or snuggle up (dogs work, too). One research study showed that food sharing among wild chimpanzees raises oxytocin levels more than grooming does. Ackerman saw that as "evidence, perhaps, for the truth of the maxim 'The way to your lover's heart is through her stomach.'"

I loved that, of course, given my own history of wooing Mom with spaghetti alla carbonara and other tasty things beginning when we first met in college. Remember that when you all meet the person of your dreams.

Steak Diane

Adapted from Katie Workman, from the Winston-Salem Journal

Steaks
2 6-ounce New York strip steaks, about 1-inch thick
Sunflower, canola, or vegetable oil
kosher salt
freshly ground black pepper

Sauce
2 tablespoons red wine
2 tablespoons brandy or cognac
1 tablespoon (15 grams) Dijon mustard
1 tablespoon (15 grams) Worcestershire sauce
2 tablespoons (28 grams) unsalted butter
1 large shallot, minced (~½ cup)
1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley

    1. For the steaks: Place a rack in the center of the oven, and heat to 425 degrees. Place a 10-inch heavy-duty stainless steel or cast iron skillet over medium heat until hot, about 4 minutes.
    2. Meanwhile, oil the steaks, and season well with salt and pepper, on both sides. Place the steaks in the hot skillet, pressing down firmly. Increase the heat to medium-high, and cook, without moving, until the steaks have a well-browned crust, about 2 minutes. Flip the steaks, press down firmly, and cook until the other sides also have a well-browned crust, about 2 minutes. Transfer the skillet to the oven. Roast until the steaks are done to your liking, about 3 to 6 minutes depending on the thickness of the steaks and your desired degree of doneness (125–130 degrees on an instant-read thermometer for medium-rare [preferably]; 135–140 degrees for medium; anything more than that is an abomination if you’re cooking a quality piece of meat). Transfer the steaks to a plate, and tent loosely with foil to keep warm.
    3. For the sauce: While the steaks are cooking, in a small bowl, whisk together the wine, brandy or cognac, mustard, and Worcestershire.
    4. When the steaks are out of the oven, melt the butter in the same skillet (don't forget the handle is hot) you cooked the steaks in over medium heat. Sauté the shallots until softened and golden brown, about 2 minutes. Add the mustard mixture (off heat if you have an open flame), and cook until reduced a bit, about 2 minutes. While the sauce is reducing, scrape up all the little browned bits (fond) on the bottom of the pan. Add the juices that have accumulated around the resting steaks and cook for another minute. Off heat, stir in the parsley. Plate the steaks, and serve with plenty of the sauce drizzled on top. A piece of crusty bread is in order to mop up the leftover sauce. Serves 2.

French Potato Salad

Adapted from The Quick Recipe (2003) by the Editors of Cook's Illustrated Magazine

2 pounds small (~2 inches in diameter) red potatoes, preferably organic
6 cups (1,415 grams) cold water
2 tablespoons fine sea salt
1 medium garlic clove, peeled and threaded on a skewer
1 medium shallot, sliced thin
1½ tablespoons white wine vinegar or white balsamic vinegar
2 teaspoons (10 grams) Dijon mustard
¼ cup (53 grams) extra-virgin olive oil
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley leaves

    1. Scrub the potatoes, then slice them ¼-inch thick. Place the potato slices, water, and salt in a large saucepan (at least 4 quarts) or stockpot. Bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to maintain a steady simmer (a notch or two above medium). Lower the garlic on the skewer into the simmering water and blanch for 45 seconds; run the garlic under cold water for a few seconds to stop the cooking. Continue simmering the potatoes until they are tender but still firm (a thin paring knife will slide through the center of a potato with no resistance), about 5 minutes. When the potatoes are just about done, scoop ¼ cup (a 2-ounce ladleful) of the cooking water into a large serving bowl. Drain the potatoes, then arrange them in a single layer on an 18-by-13-inch half sheet pan.
    2. Mince or press the blanched garlic. Add to the serving bowl along with the shallot, vinegar, mustard, oil, and pepper. Whisk until well combined. Drizzle evenly over the warm potatoes. Let stand for 10 minutes.
    3. Transfer the potatoes and all of the dressing back into the serving bowl. Gently stir in the parsley. Serves 6 as a side dish.

Weirder by the day

Mom was having some kind of bags-under-her-eyes issue recently, so she took to Google to find a cure, which is always a solid idea (just ask Dylan). What she came up with involved sticking grated potatoes over her eyes for 10 minutes a day for a week. This is what Mom looks like while the treatment is in progress:

I texted this picture to Cassie without explaining what was going on. Cass wrote back, "What the" and "She gets weirder every day." You're telling me!

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Married to Yogi Berra

None of you probably know who Yogi Berra was, except maybe Brad. Yogi played 18 seasons with the New York Yankees (1946 to 1963), winning 10 World Series titles, more than any other baseball player ever. But Yogi is best known in popular culture for his "Yogi-isms," which USA Today has defined as "colloquial expressions that lack logic." A few of the better-known Yogi-isms, for example: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it"; "You can observe a lot by just watching"; and "No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded."

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm married to Yogi Berra. Last week during dinner, we were listening to R.E.M. and I mentioned that they were from Athens, a college town in Georgia. Brad confirmed that Athens is where the University of Georgia is located. Mom piped in that Brad's "head is a random fact suppository." Last night, we had dinner at Petit Pois before the Waynesboro Symphony Symphonic Masquerade concert. Uncle Clint had the Steak Frites, which I commented came with a mountain of frites, to which Mom added, "and French fries, too." (Doh!)

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I've been rethinking the hamburger recipe. In my opinion, this cooking method is more reliable, plus you can cook a whole pound of beef at once, so everyone can eat at the same time, instead of having to wait for the burgers to come off one at a time. The smoke factor is reduced, too, although Mystic doesn't like this method any better than the other one, since there's still a fair bit of sizzling.

Smoke-Reduced Quarter-Pound Hamburgers

1 pound grass-fed beef
kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 slices American cheese (such as Kraft Singles or Trader Joe's Organic American Slices), optional
4 high-quality hamburger rolls (such as Martin's Potato Rolls or Trader Joe's Classic Hamburger Buns), toasted
condiments and toppings such as ketchup, lettuce leaves, Quick Pickled Onions, tomato slices

    1. Place a rack in the center of the oven, and heat to 425 degrees. Place a 12-inch stainless steel skillet over medium-high heat.
    2. Season the beef generously with salt and pepper. Divide into four 4-ounce balls. Evenly distribute the four balls around the pan. Press down hard on each ball with a heavy metal spatula. The semi-smashed patties should be sorta thin and about the diameter of the buns. Cook until the bottoms are well-browned and crusted, about 2 minutes. Use the spatula to carefully scrape the patties up from the pan, getting as much of the browned bits as you can, and flip them. Cook until the other side is seared, about a minute, then transfer to the hot oven. Roast to the desired level of doneness, about 3–4 minutes. If you're making cheeseburgers, place a slice of cheese on each patty about a minute before they're done.
    3. Serve promptly on the toasted buns with the condiments and toppings of your choice. Serves 2–4.

Mystic's least favorite dinner

Mystic used to be such a well-adjusted little dog. Then came the big earthquake of 2011 centered over Mineral, Virginia, about 30 miles from Charlottesville. It didn't do much damage here, but we certainly felt it, and it did cause one picture to fall off the wall in our house. Mystic was terrified, and has never been the same when it comes to things like thunderstorms, which never used to bother her but she now rides out huddled in our closet.

And it's not just the really loud things like thunder and firecrackers that she's become neurotic about. A few times when I've made something that sizzles on the stovetop, it has set off the smoke alarm, which gets Mystic off her sofa and running for our bedroom. One or two of those and now she makes a break for it anytime the sizzling starts in the kitchen (anytime I'm cooking now, almost). And this recipe is the ultimate sizzler and smoker. You may want to open up your windows and cover up the smoke alarm before starting on this one (don't forget to uncover the alarm when you're done!). But they are some dang tasty cheeseburgers, and well worth a little smoke. To me anyway; for Mystic, not so much.

Stovetop Cheeseburgers

Adapted from J. Kenji López-Alt via Serious Eats

The original recipe calls for fatty ground chuck to keep the burgers moist, but I use "ground beef" from my market purveyors and it works fine even though it's leaner.

4 high-quality hamburger rolls (such as Martin's Potato Rolls or Trader Joe's Classic Hamburger Buns), toasted
Condiments and toppings such as ketchup, lettuce leaves, onion rings, tomato rings, and/or pickles
1 pound grass-fed beef, divided into eight 2-ounce balls (use your scale for this one)
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 slices American cheese, such as Kraft Singles or Trader Joe's Organic American Slices

    1. The burgers have to be prepared one at a time, but they cook in about a minute, so have everything ready to go as each burger comes off the pan. Place the toasted buns on 2–4 plates (depending on how many people you're feeding), with whatever toppings you're using already laid out on the bottom buns.
    2. Heat a 12-inch stainless steel skillet or straight-sided sauté pan over medium-high heat for a few minutes. Place 2 balls of beef centered on either side of the pan. Press down hard on each ball with a heavy metal spatula (skip the cookie spatula for this job). The smashed patties should be very thin and a wee bit wider than the bun.
    3. Season each patty generously with salt and pepper, and cook until the bottoms are well-browned and the tops are starting to turn pale pink/gray in spots, about a minute. Use the spatula to carefully scrape the patties up from the pan, getting as much of the browned bits as you can.
    4. Flip the patties, then place a slice of cheese over one patty and stack the second patty on top of the first. Transfer to the waiting bun, and serve immediately. Repeat with the remaining burgers. Serves 2–4 (Dylan and I easily went through two of these each).

Last spring break, part II

Tacos are another meal that's popular with everyone in the family, especially Cassie. With two vegetarians around, I usually make them with fake meat that has a long, complicated ingredient list. But with Dylan home, I had an excuse to make tacos with real beef (just one ingredient!) for us (and fake meat for Brad and Cassie). And if we're using real beef, we may as well season it with real ingredients, too, not the prepackaged seasoning we usually use as a shortcut. This was easy to make and tasty, especially with fresh, local Ula corn tortillas, which I buy at the City Market (when it's open) or at Whole Foods. But it made good nachos, too, which I think Dylan liked even better than the tacos (though he ate plenty of tacos.)

Beef for Tacos or Nachos

Inspired by the Cook's Illustrated Cookbook (2011)

Time from start to finish: 25 minutes

You can use 1 tablespoon + 2¼ teaspoons Homemade Taco Seasoning Blend in place of the chili powder, cumin, oregano, salt, and cayenne.

~2 tablespoons olive, canola, or sunflower oil

1 small onion, chopped small

1 tablespoon chili powder 

1 teaspoon ground cumin 

½ teaspoon dried oregano
½ teaspoon kosher salt

¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper, more or less to taste

2 medium garlic cloves, minced or pressed

1 pound lean ground beef

⅓ cup water

freshly ground black pepper

    1. Heat enough oil to coat the bottom of a medium skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and saute until softened and just starting to brown around the edges, about 5 minutes. While the onion is cooking, mix the chili powder, cumin, oregano, salt, and cayenne, together in a ramekin or small bowl. When the onion is ready, add another teaspoon or two of oil to the skillet, then stir in the spice mixture and garlic until they are fragrant, about 1 minute. Mix in the ground beef, breaking it up into small pieces with a wooden spoon. Cook until the beef is no longer pink, about 5 minutes. Add the water and bring to a simmer. Adjust the heat to maintain a steady simmer (~medium-low). Cook, stirring occasionally and continuing to break up the meat, until the liquid is reduced to a thick sauce, about 10 minutes; you don’t want the pan to be completely dry. Taste and adjust for salt and pepper.

    2. Serve on flour or corn tortillas, taco shells, or tortilla chips with whatever fixings you like. We usually go with some combination of: cheddar and/or Monterey Jack cheese; shredded lettuce; diced avocado or guacamole; chopped tomatoes; salsa or Tomatillo Salsa; and Sriracha (for those of us who like a little extra heat). If you use tortilla chips to make nachos, you might want to nuke them in the microwave for about 30 seconds to melt the cheese a little bit.

My favorite pan

If I'm picking only three pans for my kitchen, it's an 8-quart stockpot, an 8-inch nonstick skillet (for making your eggs), and this one, my four-quart Calphalon saucier pan. This is what I use to make broccoli pasta, the béchamel for Uncle Clint's mac and cheese, and lots of other pasta sauces, among other things.

Back when Ed was in town, we were browsing at Marshall's one day and saw this pan. (Don't laugh, it's a great place to get pots and pans. That's where I got this stockpot for $80. It'll last longer than me.) I liked the pan but didn't buy it for some reason. So Ed went back and got the pan for me, because that's the kind of guy Ed is. (I don't think they make this particular pan anymore, but Oxo has a 3.5-quart covered saucepan that's a reasonably priced alternative, especially if you use a 20% off coupon at Bed, Bath & Beyond.)

Ed is also one of what Cassie calls my "one-syllable friends." The best friends I've made at my current job are Ed, Joe, and Tim. At my last job, it was John and Paul (no George, and definitely no Rin•go). Some of my running buddies from over the years are Bill, Dan, Jim, two Johns, and two Toms. Brian and Rollin are just the exceptions who prove the rule, Cassie says.