Wednesday, June 27, 2018

The employee

After Brad graduated from high school, he thought he would have a nice relaxing summer watching every game of the World Cup—until Mom "crushed" that dream. Mom gave Brad a choice of getting a job in the real world, like all of the Monticello students who work at Wegmans or Bodo's (you'd think that would be Brad's dream job), or working around the house for his mother. Lest Brad think he was going to skate by working for his kindly mother, Mom laid down the law: Treat it like a real job, including getting up early, or be terminated and head out into the workforce. Could there be anything more humiliating than hearing "You're fired" from the woman who gave birth to you?


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Mom usually likes to take a whole week to celebrate her own birth, so I was surprised when she asked me not to do anything much this year. Well, I couldn't abide by that request, so I at least wanted to make her favorite—a funfetti birthday cake. Mom's fondness for nasty funfetti cakes from a mix is the stuff of legend in our family. That all dates to the time Grandma Judy was making a cake for Auntie Leener's birthday and made the mistake of asking Mom what Leen's favorite kind of cake is. The real answer is German chocolate cake, but Mom said funfetti. Auntie Leener was very surprised, and not in a good way, to get a gross funfetti cake for her birthday bash. But Mom was sure pleased with herself.

A few years ago, I couldn't take the boxed funfetti cake mix any more. I did some research and found this incredible funfetti birthday cake by Christina Tosi of the Momofuku Milk Bar. (You have to love someone who asked herself the question, "What is it that you can do every single day for the rest of your life?" and answered "Make cookies.") The original recipe is incredibly involved, with umpteen steps divided over four separate recipes for birthday cake, birthday cake soak, birthday cake frosting, and birthday cake crumb, and you also need some special equipment, including a 6-inch cake ring and 2 strips of acetate. I've simplified the recipe some by using standard 9-inch round cake pans and leaving out the soak, but it's still pretty spectacular and a far cry from the crap that comes out of a box. Even Auntie Leener should be able to get behind this funfetti cake.

Cake crumbs
Cake batter




Mom's Funfetti Birthday Cake

Adapted from Momofuku Milk Bar (2011) by Christina Tosi via Milk Bar Store and Flavor Flours (2014) by Alice Medrich via Cooking by the Book

I substituted a gluten-free butter cake by Alice Medrich for the original birthday cake by Christina Tosi. I haven't tried this, but if you want to go completely gluten free, I'd bet you can substitute Thai white rice flour for the cake flour in the cake crumbs recipe. If you're not worried about gluten, Tosi's original birthday cake is really good and not all that complicated. You can also make the gluten-free butter cake, without the rainbow sprinkles, to serve on its own.

Cake crumbs
100 grams (½ cup) granulated sugar
25 grams (2 tablespoons) light brown sugar
90 grams (¾ cup) cake flour; or substitute 75 grams all-purpose flour + 15 grams cornstarch sifted together (see note)
½ teaspoon Diamond Crystal kosher salt
½ teaspoon baking powder
25 grams (2 tablespoons) rainbow sprinkles
53 grams (¼ cup) neutral-flavored oil such as grapeseed or sunflower
1 tablespoon (12 grams) vanilla extract, preferably clear vanilla extract

Gluten-free Butter cake (see note)
400 grams white rice flour (2⅔ cups) or Thai white rice flour (4 cups)
50 grams (½ cup) oat flour (you can grind 50 grams rolled oats in a coffee grinder to make your own oat flour)
360 grams (2 cups minus 3 tablespoons) granulated sugar
225 grams (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
¾ teaspoon fine sea salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon xanthan gum
1 cup (227 grams) plain yogurt (any percent butterfat) or slightly watered down Greek yogurt
4 large eggs (~57 grams each in the shells)
2 teaspoons (8 grams) pure vanilla extract
50 grams (¼ cup) rainbow sprinkles, plus 25 grams (2 tablespoons) (you can leave the sprinkles out to make a plain butter cake)

Frosting
113 grams (8 tablespoons; 1 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature
50 grams (¼ cup) vegetable shortening
55 grams (2 ounces) cream cheese
35 grams (1 tablespoon + 2 teaspoons) light corn syrup; or 25 grams (1 tablespoon) glucose + 20 grams (1 tablespoon) light corn syrup
1 tablespoon (12 grams) vanilla extract, preferably clear vanilla extract
200 grams (1¼ cups) confectioners' sugar
½ teaspoon Diamond Crystal kosher salt
pinch baking powder
pinch citric acid

    1. For the cake crumbs: Place a rack in the center of the oven and heat to 300 degrees. Line a 13-by-18-inch baking sheet with parchment paper or a silicone liner.
    2. Place the sugars, flour, salt, baking powder, and sprinkles in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Mix on low speed (2 on a KitchenAid) until well combined. Add the oil and vanilla, and mix again on low speed until small clusters form.
    3. Spread the clusters around the prepared baking sheet. Bake for 20 minutes. The crumbs will still be a little moist, but will dry and harden as they cool. Cool completely. When cool, break into smaller pieces. You can make the crumbs up to one week ahead and store them at room temperature in an airtight container. Makes ~2¼ cups.
    4. For the gluten-free butter cake: Place a rack in the center of the oven and heat to 350 degrees. Grease two light-colored aluminum 9-by-2-inch round cake pans (such as Magic Line) for birthday cake, or one 10- to 12-cup Bundt pan or 10-inch tube pan with removable bottom, with vegetable oil spray or butter. Line the bottoms of the layer cake pans with parchment paper rounds. Wrap the sides of the layer cake pans with cake strips for even baking if you have them.
    5. Place the rice and oat flours, sugar, butter, and salt in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Mix on medium speed (4 on a KitchenAid) until the mixture is the texture of brown sugar, about 1 minute. This will not happen unless your butter is very soft when you start. Add the baking powder, baking soda, xanthan gum, yogurt, eggs, vanilla, and 50 grams rainbow sprinkles, if using. Mix on medium-high speed (6 on a KitchenAid) until the batter is smooth and fluffy, about 2 minutes.
    6. Scrape the batter into the prepared pans and smooth out the top. If making a funfetti cake, sprinkle the remaining 25 grams of rainbow sprinkles evenly over the top of the batter. Bake until a skewer inserted into the center comes out clean, about 25–30 minutes for layer cakes and 45–50 minutes for a Bundt pan.
    7. Cool in the pan(s) on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Invert the cake(s) onto another wire rack, and peel off the parchment liners for layer cakes. Turn the cakes right-side up, then cool completely.
    8. For the frosting: Combine the butter, shortening, and cream cheese in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Cream on medium-high speed (6 on a KitchenAid) until smooth and fluffy, 2–3 minutes. Scrape down the sides of the bowl.
    9. With the mixer on stir, stream in the corn syrup and vanilla, then mix on medium-high speed until smooth and glossy white, another 2–3 minutes. Scrape down the sides of the bowl.
    10. Add the confectioners’ sugar, salt, baking powder, and citric acid. Mix on stir just until moistened, then mix on medium-high speed until smooth and stark white, another 2–3 minutes. Use immediately, or store in the fridge in an airtight container for up to 1 week.
    11. To assemble the cake: Spread one-third of the frosting (~140 grams) over the bottom layer of the cake. Sprinkle one-half of the cake crumbs evenly over the frosting, then press them gently into the frosting. Spread another one-third of the frosting evenly over the crumbs, without disturbing them.
    12. Nestle the other cake layer into the frosting. Spread the remaining one-third of the frosting over the second layer. Sprinkle the remaining cake crumbs evenly over the frosting. Serves 12.

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