What's in a name?

Poor Mom. She had a perfectly good name [1] for over 50 years. Then in the last couple of years someone decided that Karen is the prototypical name of a middle-aged white woman complaining to her grocer about the quality of his avocados. Check out the top definition of "Karen" at Urban Dictionary: "44. mother of three. blonde. owns a volvo. annoying as hell. wears acrylics 24/7. currently at your workplace speaking to your manager." Ouch. Compare that to the #2 definition of "Paul" at Urban Dictionary:

The kindest, best guy friend you could ever have. Unknowingly funny and always willing to listen. He always has a smile for you when you see him and you find yourself missing him if you don't see him for a while. He might seem shy at first but once you get to know him he begins to open up and let you in, you cannot imagine how lucky this makes you feel. Great soccer player too!! Any girl would be lucky to have him. [2]

But thanks to Tropical Storm Karen, the internet is doubling down on their abuse of all those Karens out there, as we found out when Bradley [3] sent everyone a link to this Time magazine article ("Tropical Storm Karen Has the Internet Saying the Storm 'Wants to Speak to a Manager'"). The article says that, according to Know Your Meme, "Karen" has "become synonymous with the persona of an annoying, entitled woman," and is also associated with "a side-swept haircut that is short in the back and longer in the front and mocked as representative of middle-aged women obsessed with complaining to store managers." One meme, posted by a woman named Parker, [4] shows the tropical storm's path with a "Karen" haircut.

I think all of this is totally unfair, as Mom neither has a "Karen" haircut nor is she obsessed with complaining to store managers, that I'm aware of. [5] She needs to mount a worldwide campaign to restore the former glory of her pure, unsullied name.

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[1] According to babynamewizard.com, Karen is the Danish form of Katherine, which is derived from the Greek Aikaterinē, the root of which is katharos, meaning pure or unsullied. Unsullied, that's pretty good for Mom.

[2] Seriously, I did not draft that definition myself, including the bit about "[g]reat soccer player too." I went with the #2 definition because the top definition of "Paul" is just bizarre: "Similar to the urban legend of Bigfoot, Paul is a mysterious and beautiful seagull that roams around the earth without a care in the world." And even that is still better than the #1 through #5 definitions of "Karen" on UD.

[3] I went with the full given name here because check out the top definition of "Bradley" on Urban Dictionary—it's even better than "Paul"!

A pretty down to earth and cool guy. He always has a deep voice and is very supportive. He puts up with more crap than he should, but it's because he has a big heart. He is very intelligent, and always seems to come up with solutions to most problems. He is a hard worker and a great provider. He is very dependable and you can always count on him. If you meet a Bradley, feel free to talk to him. If you're a lovely woman with a lovely attitude and personality, feel free to date/marry him. He never cheats, is very loyal, and deserves the best in life. He is like a light skin Idris Elba, but with a deeper voice, a prettier face, and a lighter complexion. If you see a Bradley, show him some love, and he will return it tenfold. If you treat him right, he will always be there for you to love and support you. If you treat him wrong, he will leave.

The top definition for "Brad," on the other hand, is a "self-centered douche" (thanks for nothing, Brad Pitt!), so keep that in mind when you're deciding what to call your brother.

[4] Parkers are about as awesome as Bradleys, but only when they're guys, apparently (sorry, Parker Posey).

[5] On the other hand, Mom can dish out some serious abuse to the telephone representatives of the world, so I don't know if that counts.

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I made this for Mom to lift her spirits after having her core identity raked over the coals by all of this name business. If you're looking for a vegan and gluten- and grain-free dessert with no white sugar, then this is the ticket. I've wanted to get behind chia seeds ever since reading (and re-reading) Born to Run, but this is the first thing I've made with them that was actually good.  

Mocha Hazelnut Chia Pudding

Adapted from Amy Chaplin via the Food Network

Time: 12 minutes, plus chilling time

I use Trader Joe’s Dry Roasted & Unsalted Oregon Hazelnuts to make my life easier. If you have to toast raw hazelnuts yourself, Chaplin says to roast them on a rimmed baking sheet in a 300 degree oven until they’re fragrant, about 12 to 14 minutes. Let them cool, then toss the nuts up and down on the baking sheet to loosen the skins (haha, good luck with that).

2 cups (472 grams) water
½ cup (57 grams) toasted hazelnuts, plus more to garnish (see note)
6 Medjool dates, pitted
1 tablespoon (20 grams) maple syrup
1 tablespoon (14 grams) extra-virgin coconut oil (I don't think it'll make any difference if you swap in a neutral-flavored oil like sunflower)
2 teaspoons (8 grams) pure vanilla extract
2 teaspoons (4 grams) espresso powder or granular coffee dissolved in 1 tablespoon boiling water
2 teaspoons cocoa powder
a pinch of sea salt
¼ cup (40 grams) chia seeds

    1. Place all of the ingredients except the chia seeds in a standard blender or the large blender cup of a personal blender like a NutriBullet. Blend on high speed until completely smooth.
    2. Pour the mixture into a 5 to 6-cup storage container. Add the chia seeds, and whisk well to combine, making sure there are no clumps of chia seeds.
    3. Chill in the refrigerator for at least 2 hours and up to 4 days. When ready to serve, spoon the pudding into small bowls and garnish with a few extra hazelnuts. Makes 4 servings.