Avast, ye filthy porch pirates! episode III: 'Tis the season

With the coming of the holiday season, the news of porch piracy is coming thick and fast, and is now the subject of a running email chain between my buddy Ed and me. Despite your scoffing at my concerns, there is now documented proof that this scourge has arrived in our hamlet. Item #1: A November 25 article in the Daily Progress ("Holiday packages a treasure trove for porch pirates") reports that about 11 million homeowners had a package stolen from their front porch or mailbox last year alone. A spokesman for the Charlottesville Police Department confirmed that porch pirates are "definitely out there" in C'ville. In fact, there were a "slew" of packages stolen on UVA grounds while students were out of town for fall break,[1] and that will only "increase[] during the holiday season."

That dire prediction was confirmed in a December 5 article in the DP ("Two women arrested in connection to stolen packages in Albemarle County"). The two women must have swiped a lot of packages, because they are facing a "slew" of charges, including obtaining money by false pretenses, trespassing, 13 counts of misdemeanor larceny, and one count of felony grand larceny. [2] The women told police that they had targeted various C'ville neighborhoods, including Carriage Hill, Turtle Creek Condominiums, the 14th Street area, and Ivy Garden Apartments, where Mom and I lived while I was in law school.

I emailed a link to the first article to Ed, who responded with a link of his own to a video describing "How to protect your packages from being stolen." The video starts with some high-quality footage of various freebooters swiping packages from front porches, including one picaroon wearing a "SECURITY" tee shirt, which is kinda funny. The first suggestion is to use Amazon Key, which allows delivery people to unlock your front door to enter your house and leave packages inside. Doesn't that sound like a great idea—stopping theft from your front porch by giving someone you don't know access to the rest of your house? I'll take a hard pass on that one. Other suggestions in the video and DP article include having your packages shipped to a locker at UPS, FedEx, or Whole Foods (Amazon again), or bolting an ugly lockbox to a table on your porch, [3] all of which are a big pain in the ass. But my favorite suggestion was to get one of those newfangled doorbell cameras (top-rated model only $229!) that let you see on your smartphone who's ringing your doorbell, as if a porch pirate is going to ring your fucking doorbell before looting your front porch. I think it's time to shop in real stores again.

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[1] My heart is absolutely breaking for all of the UVA students now having to go without the pastel apparel and docksiders they ordered. O' thou cruel buccaneers, take pity on the scholars during this most joyous season of giving!

[2] I guess one package had a lot more than just socks in it for them to get hit with a felony charge.

[3] The video makes it look like a pretty large lockbox will still only fit something no bigger than a loaf of Mom's child-sized bread inside. Plus, you gotta cram the stuff in there, so don't order anything breakable. I also wonder if there's a neighborhood covenant against having a big steel lockbox on your porch?

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This was my contribution to the Thanksgiving dessert table this year. It takes a while to bake, but putting it together couldn't be easier (no apple peeling necessary, and you can speed the coring up with a melon baller), and it's nice to have yummy local apples in a gluten-free (or gluten-full, if you prefer) dessert.

Apple Crisp

Adapted from Alice Medrich via Food52 (with video)

Time: ~1:45 (30 minutes prep time, ~75 minutes baking time)

Medrich says you can skip the orange zest and juice and dried apricots if you’re in a hurry, but I like the flavor and texture they add.

For the topping
100 grams (½ cup) granulated white sugar
85 grams (~⅞ cup) coarsely chopped walnut pieces
65 grams (~½ cup) unbleached all-purpose flour or brown rice flour or UaKS Gluten-Free Flour Blend
45 grams (½ cup) rolled oats
⅛ teaspoon salt
70 grams (5 tablespoons) unsalted butter, melted

For the filling
Grated zest and juice of 1 orange (see note) 
70 grams (~¼ cup) dried apricots, coarsely chopped (see note)
75 to 100 grams (⅜ to ½ cup) granulated white sugar, depending on how tart your apples are
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
5 or 6 medium crisp, flavorful apples, such as Honeycrisp, Pink Lady, Jonathan, or a mixture

    1. Place a rack in the center of the oven and heat to 350 degrees. Lightly grease a 2-quart baking dish that is about 2 inches deep.
    2. To make the topping: In a medium bowl, stir together all of the topping ingredients except the melted butter. Pour the butter over the other ingredients, then mix together with a fork until evenly moistened and crumbly.
    3. To make the filling: In a small bowl, stir together the orange zest, juice, and chopped apricots. In a large bowl, stir together the sugar and cinnamon.
    4. Halve and core the unpeeled apples. Lay each half cut-side down on a cutting board, then slice into thirds in each direction to make 9 chunks. Toss the apple chunks with the cinnamon-sugar in the large bowl. Stir in the apricot-orange mixture.
    5. Scrape the apple mixture into the prepared baking dish and spread it evenly. Sprinkle the crumbly topping evenly over the apple mixture. Bake until the crisp is well browned on top and the juices are bubbling and thickened when you tilt the dish, up to 75 minutes or more (start checking after an hour), depending on your baking vessel. Serve warm, cold, or at room temperature.  Brad says the crisp must be served with good vanilla ice cream. Serves 6 to 8. (You can make the crisp ahead of time and keep it in the fridge for up to 4 days.)