The brochure for Oyster+ capsules takes the cake, though, with some truly outstanding testimonials. For example, Marie & Jean-Claude D., from Paris, France (Jean-Claude van Damme, that's not you, is it?), have been having "one orgasm after another," and even "made love 6 hours straight, which never happened before, even when we were younger" (despite being French). Giovanni P., from Milan, Italy, "rarely experienced my penis getting so big!" (despite being Italian!) and "made love for almost a solid week without stopping!" (you gotta take a pasta break once in a while to fuel up). And it's not just the Europeans who've benefited from this miracle product. The partner of Rocco C. from San Francisco, California, started calling him "The Lovemaking Machine!" because he can now "make love as long as I want." Most pertinent for us old folks, 83-year-old Sid W. from New York, New York, can now "make love up to 3 times a day" with his wife (age unknown, but probably not so thrilled about that development). Finally, Harvey M. from Las Vegas, Nevada, can make love "for hours with the greatest pleasure," thanks to his new-and-improved erection that is "bigger and more beautiful than ever!"
Although ... come to think of it, that doesn't sound all that much different from the Republican propaganda we've been receiving. I wonder if Harvey M. has ever fantasized about building a "big beautiful wall" along the Mexican border?
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Because I feel bad for you strict vegetarians who are missing out on the life-altering power of Oyster+ (it's a concentrated extract made from oysters, "THE MOST POWERFUL Natural Aphrodisiac IN THE WORLD!"), here's a little something for you. This is basically my everyday salad, but with Parmesan (or Grana Padano) shavings swapped in for the chèvre and the addition of lightly toasted pear slices for a little sweetness. Mom says this is "heavenly," which is her second highest food descriptor.
Salad with Toasted Pear and Parmesan
Adapted from The Food Lab (2015) by J. Kenji López-Alt
Time: 18 minutes
1 ripe but firm Bosc pear (better slightly underripe than overripe)
1 teaspoon granulated white sugar
2 teaspoons (10 grams) unsalted butter
~100 grams (a few handfuls) salad greens (I like a 50/50 blend of baby spinach and baby spring mix, but use whatever you like, including bitter greens like arugula)
Leftover Jam Vinaigrette (or whatever salad dressing you like)
Parmesan or Grana Padano
toasted chopped pecans or walnuts
dried cherries or cranberries
freshly ground black pepper, optional
1. Trim a thin slice from the top of the pear, then cut in half from top to bottom. Remove the core (a melon baller works well for this job), then cut into ¼-inch slices, again from top to bottom. In a large bowl, toss the pear slices with the sugar until evenly coated. Place the butter in a 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. When the butter has melted and stopped foaming, add the pear slices to the pan in a single layer. Cook until darkened in color a shade or two, about 2 minutes. Using tongs or a thin spatula, flip each of the slices. Cook until softened and darkened in color on the other side, about 1 to 2 minutes. Transfer the pear to a large plate and cool for about 5 minutes.
2. While the pear is cooling, add the greens to the same large bowl. Drizzle 1 to 2 tablespoons of vinaigrette around the sides of the bowl. Using your clean hands, gently toss the greens with the vinaigrette until evenly coated. The greens should be just slicked with vinaigrette, not drowning in it (no matter what Mom says), so plan the amount of vinaigrette accordingly. Divide the dressed greens evenly between two serving bowls or plates.
3. Using a vegetable peeler, shave thin slices of cheese over each salad. Top each salad with a sprinkling of toasted nuts and dried fruit, then the pear slices. Grind over some black pepper, if desired. Drizzle a few more drops of vinaigrette over the top of each salad. Serves 2.
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