Dick candles

I can’t seem to muster up the concentration it takes to get through a whole book lately, so I’ve been reading magazines mostly, including Cooks Illustrated, Cooks Country, and Bon Appétit through the RBdigital app (I'm always scouting out new recipes for you, my faithful readers), as well as my backlog of New Yorker issues handed down by a co-worker. In the February 3, 2020 issue of the New Yorker, I read Doreen St. Félix's review ("The Magical Thinking of 'The Goop Lab'") of "The Goop Lab" series on Netflix.

The show, like Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop company, sounds like serious drivel, but I couldn’t help but be impressed by the author's statement that Paltrow had just sold out of her "This Smells Like My Vagina" candles at $75 a pop. The packaging is stark—just black lettering, in all caps, of “THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA” on a plain white background. The description of the candles in Goop's online store is more high-brow, reminiscent of someone touting a fine wine: “With a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent, this candle is made with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.” Who can read that and not imagine what a better life we’d all have just by sniffing GP’s floral and citrus-scented vagina?

I am in awe of this concept. I can’t believe I’ve wasted my entire life working for the man when I could have been selling “This Smells Like My Penis” candles and other paraphernalia at outrageous prices. I could've retired years ago! (GP and her vagina are reportedly worth around $250 million.) Of course, I probably would’ve had to have brought a preexisting high Q Score (like you get from being a famous actor with a Barbie doll look and/or having two parents who are also famous actors) to the party to get my penile venture off the ground, but there must be some other way I can get this to work for me.

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How many pestos does one man need? A lot, apparently. Here is the rundown on UaKS so far: We have (1) your standard basil-and-pine-nut pesto; (2) roasted-red-pepper-and-pistachio pesto (terrific with ravioli); (3) tomato-and-almond pesto; (4) sun-dried-tomato pesto; and (5) kale pesto. But I love them all, and they're all easy to make in about 30 minutes or less. So let's add one more pesto to make it an even half dozen, with yet another recipe that comes to us thanks to Dylan's unwitting bounty. This was a fun way to use my D.I.Y. fresh ricotta, which only adds about 12 minutes to what is otherwise a 30-minute recipe. The pasta looks sickly and drab in my already bad photos because we used Mom's gluten-free brown rice pasta, but it still tasted good. Everyone voted in favor of adding this to UaKS for future reference, but especially Cassie, who loves her anything cheesy (cheesy in a good way, that is).

Step 3

Step 5

White Pesto Pasta

Adapted from Carla Lalli Music in Bon Appétit (April 2019, with a long video)

Time: 30 minutes

50 grams (½ cup) walnut pieces or halves
1 small to medium garlic clove
kosher salt
2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh oregano
57 grams/2 ounces Parmesan cheese, finely grated or pulverized in a personal blender or with the chopping accessory of an immersion/hand blender (~1 cup), plus more for serving
1 teaspoon cornstarch, optional
113 grams/4 ounces ricotta cheese, preferably homemade or fresh
zest of 1 lemon
53 grams (¼ cup) extra-virgin olive oil
freshly ground black pepper
1 to 2 tablespoons fine sea salt
1 pound tube- or rod-shaped pasta such as rigatoni, spaghetti, or bucatini

    1. Place a rack in the center of the oven; heat to 350 degrees. Toast the walnuts on a small rimmed baking sheet (an eighth sheet pan is perfect) until fragrant and just a shade darker, about 6 to 8 minutes (watch carefully). Set aside to cool.
    2. Bring 4 quarts of water to a rolling boil in a covered stockpot.
    3a. To make the pesto with a mortar and pestle: Zap the garlic clove in the microwave for 10 seconds (you can skip this if you don’t have a microwave). Peel the clove, then smash, grate, or coarsely chop the garlic and place it in your mortar. Add a pinch of kosher salt, then pound to a paste with the pestle. Add the cooled walnuts and grind until creamy. Add the oregano and pound into fine bits. In a large bowl, stir together the 2 ounces Parmesan and cornstarch. Add the walnut paste, ricotta, and lemon zest, and mix well. Using a wooden spoon, stir in the oil 1 tablespoon at a time. Season to taste with salt and a fair bit of pepper.
    3b. To make the pesto without a mortar and pestle: In a large bowl, stir together the 2 ounces Parmesan and cornstarch. Zap the garlic clove in the microwave for 10 seconds (you can skip this if you don’t have a microwave). Peel the clove, then smash, grate, or coarsely chop the garlic and add it to the bowl. Chop the cooled walnuts very finely and add the pieces to the bowl along with a pinch of kosher salt and the oregano, ricotta, and lemon zest. Mix well. Using a wooden spoon, stir in the oil 1 tablespoon at a time. Season to taste with salt and a fair bit of pepper.
    4. Meanwhile, when the pasta water boils, stir in the fine sea salt until dissolved. Add the pasta and stir a few times during the first minute or two to keep it from sticking. Cook until al dente.
    5. When the pasta is almost done, scoop out at least 1 cup of the cooking water. Pour or ladle ⅔ cup of the water into the large bowl with the pesto and stir gently to combine until relatively smooth. Drain the pasta and add to the pesto in the bowl. Stir and toss vigorously until the pesto thickens enough to coat the pasta. Add more cooking water as needed to adjust the consistency to your liking. Taste for salt and pepper. Serve promptly, passing additional Parmesan at the table. Serves 4.