More voyages with porch pirates

Ahoy dear readers, I'm afraid my reputation precedes me, like a mighty leviathan trying to outrun the sting of the harpoon in the briney deep. My hearty Ed continues to feed my obsession by forwarding me every article he stumbles across on the scourge of porch piracy, and I continue to take the bait. But how could I resist such choice morsels as these?

 

The first article ("Americans lost $5.4 billion in stolen packages this year, survey finds") reports that half of the booty lost to porch piracy—$2.7 billion this year—was swindled from millennials and another $1.6 billion from GenXers, while baby boomers lost a mere $700 million. No doubt the buccaneers have realized the profit in stealing all of the North Face, Land's End, and similar merch you and all of your millennial and GenX peers are buying. If you go to the article, you will note that this freebooter was at least thoughtful and/or smart enough to wear a face covering while hornswaggling the loot—no sense giving or getting COVID-19 along with your not-so-hard-won bounty.

Alas, pirate smarts were sorely lacking from the bilge-sucking scallywag discussed in the second article ("Alleged porch pirate arrested after wearing exact same shirt to court from surveillance footage"). This line from the article says it all: "An accused porch pirate has been arrested after wearing the exact same shirt the very next day to a South Carolina courtroom that he had worn to steal packages from peoples’ porches" the day before. Not only that, but you can see from the photo that it was a North Face shirt he was wearing both days, which is prima facie evidence that he's a serial offender, having almost certainly swiped the shirt from some poor millennial on a previous voyage. So mark my words and keep up your guard against this ever-expanding menace. Savvy?

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Dylan mentioned to me recently that he was working his way through The Art of Simple Food by Alice Waters, so I went back through the book too. This side salad is as easy as it gets: grate and dress some raw carrots. The 10-minute sit in the acidic dressing tamps down some of the bite of the raw carrot. And there's the added bonus of all that Vitamin A and other good stuff that keeps your vision sharp while you're on the lookout for porch pirates.

 Carrot Salad

Adapted from The Art of Simple Food (2007) by Alice Waters

Time: ~30 minutes

1 pound carrots
¼ cup (53 grams) extra-virgin olive oil
2 teaspoons (10 grams) freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 teaspoon (5 grams) red wine vinegar
kosher salt
freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley

    1. Wash and peel the carrots, then grate them on the large holes of a box grater. In a medium bowl, whisk together the oil, lemon juice, vinegar, a good pinch of salt, and a few grinds of pepper. Add the carrots and parsley and toss well to coat with the vinaigrette. Taste for seasoning.
    2. Let the salad stand for 10 minutes. Taste again for salt, pepper, and acid. Serves 4.