The capacity to give a shit

During our car trip to Georgia and back,* Brad and I listened to multiple episodes of The Happiness Lab with Yale psychology professor Laurie Santos, which is my second can’t-miss podcast after Poetry Unbound. We listened to almost all of the “bonus” episodes from early in the coronavirus lockdown. These included lots of good information that is useful even when you're not living through a pandemic.

For example, the episode on how to coach yourself through a crisis introduced the idea of "psychological distance." Ever wonder how you can be panicked about an issue, but Mom and I can discuss it with you much more rationally and help you problem-solve? That's because, in the end, it's not our decision to make, so we can brainstorm ideas without the emotional overlay. It turns out you can gain some psychological distance from your own problems just by thinking about them in the third person, like LeBron James famously did when making "The Decision" about what team to join in free agency in 2010 ("One thing I didn't want to do was make an emotional decision. And I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James and what LeBron James was going to do to make him happy."). Dr. Santos discussed this idea with Ethan Kross, a professor at the University of Michigan who co-authored a study finding that this kind of "third-person self-talk" is a relatively effortless way for people to "think about the self similar to how they think about others, which provides them with the psychological distance needed to facilitate self control." So the next time you're fretting over a problem, don't think, "What am I going to do?"; instead, try, "What is [Brad, Cassie, Dylan] going to do?" It sounds ridiculous, but there is good science behind it.

In another episode, Dr. Santos discussed some tips for keeping your relationship healthy during the pandemic with Eli Finkel, a professor of social psychology at Northwestern who studies romantic relationships. One idea really caught my attention because it involves, in essence, bringing the "principle of charity" into your relationship with your significant other. For Dr. Finkel, one option for dealing with what you perceive could be an unkind remark from your partner flows from Marcel Proust's observation that "Mystery is not about travelling to new places but about looking with new eyes." Dr. Finkel asks, "Can we look with new eyes when we think about our partner?" He discussed promising psychological research showing that we actually have a lot of power when interpreting our partner's statements. In particular, we get to determine whether they said something because they're disrespectful and don't appreciate us, or, alternatively, because they're overwhelmed and trying to do the best they can in difficult situations. Obviously, drawing the second conclusion has different, and much better, consequences for your relationship.

While the conversations we listened to all had useful information, by far the most entertaining was with Dan Harris, ABC newsman and author of one of my favorite books, 10% Happier. In answering Dr. Santos's question about loving-kindness meditation, Harris offered his definition of "love," which is "the capacity to give a shit" about others (and ourselves). This ability is deep-wired into all of us because people needed it to survive as part of a tribe when we were evolving on the savannahs. And we can tap into this innate capacity we all have to care about other people by doing loving-kindness meditation, which the research has shown promotes compassion and psychological well-being. Like addressing yourself in the third person, it sounds like some new-age nonsense, of which Harris himself was at first skeptical, but he is now an enthusiastic proponent. In the words of a meditation teacher he quoted, "if you can't do cheesy, you can't be free."

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*It wasn’t the main purpose of our trip, but I did say a quiet “Thank you” to Georgia as we crossed the border from South Carolina.

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Brad recently whipped us up a yummy pot of Black Bean Umami Chili. Our standard accompaniment for the chili has been this cornbread based on a recipe in The Art of Simple Food. This new recipe is very similar. But it's even quicker and more streamlined, and has the added advantage of using all cornmeal and no flour if that's important to you. The downside is you really need a cast-iron skillet for this to work properly, but it makes a fabulous crusty edge and bottom if you do.

All-Corn Skillet Cornbread

Adapted from Susan Streit Sherman via Food52 and Crate Cooking

Time: ~35 minutes

180 grams (1½ cups) yellow cornmeal, preferably coarse grind

¾ teaspoon Diamond Crystal kosher salt

¾ teaspoon baking soda

2 large eggs (~57 grams each still in the shells)

360 grams (1½ cups) buttermilk, plain yogurt, or kefir

30 grams (1½ tablespoons) maple syrup

57 grams (½ stick/4 tablespoons) unsalted butter, cut into pieces

    1. Place a rack in the center of the oven; heat to 425 degrees. While the oven is coming to temperature, place a 9- or 10-inch cast-iron skillet in the oven and allow to preheat for 10 minutes.

    2. Meanwhile, whisk the cornmeal, salt, and baking soda together in a small bowl.

    3. Crack the eggs into a large bowl and whisk to break up a bit. Whisk in the buttermilk and maple syrup until thoroughly combined.

    4. After 10 minutes, carefully remove the hot skillet from the oven. Add the butter, and swirl the skillet until the butter is melted (it will sizzle and may brown slightly). Immediately pour the hot butter into the large bowl, and whisk until combined. Whisk in the dry ingredients. Scrape the batter into the hot skillet.

    5. Bake until golden brown and delicious, and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, about 20 to 25 minutes. Cool in the skillet for a few minutes before serving. Makes 8 wedges.