I missed my calling

The New Yorker recently ran a short profile of Taylor A. Humphrey, a 33-year-old N.Y.U. graduate and "professional baby namer." Running between $1,500 and $10,000, her services include: generating a bespoke [1] list of names based on parents' responses to a questionnaire; a genealogical investigation to uncover old family names; and even coming up with a name that will be "on-brand" with a parent's business, because naming your kid should be about moving more merchandise, right?

The author sits in on Humphrey's phone call with one client who clearly has too much disposable income. Right away they start weeding out names that are definite nonstarters, including Bodhi, which is a massive letdown. But they do put Brave on the "maybe" list, at least as a middle name. As they whittle down the list, Humphrey urges her client not to pass on Stellan, which apparently means "peaceful and calm." But the client, who is a World War Two buff, is rightfully dubious because Stellan "sounds a lot like Stalin." No word on whether Humphrey is also a fan of Hettler or Mussaleni as baby names. However, another article about Humphrey points out that she is a big fan of the names of Elon Musk's children: X Æ A-12 (a son nicknamed X) and Exa Dark Sideræl (a daughter nicknamed Y). [2]

Anyway, I'm thinking this baby-naming thing can't be all that hard, and it's not like I'm a complete novice. So, the next time you know someone who needs help naming their kid, tell them to wire me a grand (cheap!) and I'll send them a bespoke list of awesome names that don't sound anything like any of history's worst mass murderers or include the æ diphthong.

 

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[1] This is a trendy word that seems to pop up in every third article I read nowadays. It means custom-made. It's a decent word, but let's face it, it's not callipygian.

 

[2] You may not inherit $300 billion from Mom and me, but there are some benefits to being our children.

 

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Mom brought home a few buckets of pick-your-own blueberries over the weekend and decided we needed to have blueberry pancakes for dinner to use some of them up. Happily, Cook's Illustrated had a revamped recipe for blueberry pancakes in the July/August 2022 issue that is just out. The recipe uses malted milk powder, which was the secret ingredient in some of my favorite pancakes to date, so that was a good sign. And yes, I know this is my ninth pancake recipe on UaKS, but if you're having only one, this one is the keeper, the one pancake recipe to rule them all. It turned out fluffy, perfectly cooked pancakes that were so good Brad was bummed when he had to stop at six (because we ran out of pancakes).

Buttermilk Pancakes 2.0
(preferably with blueberries)

Adapted from Cook's Illustrated July/Aug 2022

Time: ~12 minutes to make the batter (total cooking time depends on whether you make the pancakes using a griddle or a skillet)

 

Don't sleep on the salted butter. I made Brad try a pat on his last pancake and he thought it was a revelation.

Dry ingredients
285 grams (~2¼ cups) all-purpose flour
27 grams (3 tablespoons) malted milk powder (such as Carnation)
25 grams (2 tablespoons) granulated white sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon fine sea salt

Wet ingredients
1 large egg (~57 grams in the shell)

485 grams (2 cups) buttermilk or plain kefir
42 grams (3 tablespoons) unsalted butter, melted and set aside to cool slightly, plus more for cooking

210 grams (1½ cups) fresh blueberries, optional

1 teaspoon neutral-flavored oil
Maple syrup and good salted butter, for serving

    1. In a medium bowl, whisk the dry ingredients together.
    2. Crack the egg into a large bowl and whisk just to break it up a little. Add the buttermilk and melted butter and whisk to combine (it’s okay if the butter clumps up).
    3. Dump the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients. Using a silicone spatula, stir until just combined (a few lumps are okay). Fold in the blueberries, if using. Don't overmix. The batter will be very thick (see the middle photo above)
    4. Heat the oil on an electric griddle set to 325 degrees (or in a 12-inch nonstick skillet set one notch below medium heat) until shimmering. Gently wipe out the oil with a paper towel, leaving just a thin film on the bottom of the pan.
    5. Melt 1 tablespoon (on a griddle) or ½ tablespoon (in a skillet) butter in the hot pan, and use a thin, non-scratching spatula to spread the butter around. Using a ⅓-cup dry measuring cup or (my favorite) a slightly rounded #16 (¼ cup) disher, scoop the batter onto the griddle in 6 places (or into the skillet in 3 places). Using the bottom of the cup or disher, gently spread each scoop into a ~4-inch round. Cook until the edges of the pancakes are set and the bottoms are deep golden brown, about 2½ minutes. Flip gently and cook until the other sides are deep golden brown, about 2½ minutes more. Repeat the cooking process, adding more butter to the pan each time. Serve promptly with a pat of good salted butter (see note) and real maple syrup. Makes 12 to 15 four-inch pancakes, serving 3 or 4.