The 5-3-1 rule of social connection

My social science reading for this year (which, as usual, is most of my reading) has included two excellent books about social connection: Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends (2022) by Marisa Franco; and The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier (2024) by Kasley Killam. They're both available through Libby.

 

There is so much good information in both books about the how, what, and why of social connection, or "social health" to use Killam's term, which she defines as the aspect of well-being and overall health, which also includes physical health and mental health, that comes from connection. It's hard to know exactly how much social connection you need, and that differs from person to person anyway, but Killam came up with a useful 5–3–1 rule of thumb, based on two "evidence briefs" published in 2022 by the Canadian Alliance for Social Connection and Health.*

First, connect with five different people each week. This can include family members, friends, or coworkers, and the way you connect with them could include meeting in person, catching up over the phone or FaceTime, or some other way. This can also include "weak ties" such as (every social scientist's favorite!) the barista who serves you your morning coffee (or Saturday morning taco in my case). 

 

Second, maintain at least three close relationships in general. These are the folks in your innermost circle. Killam suggests that you might identify your close relationships by thinking about who you use as an emergency contact on forms or by opening the Messages app on your iPhone and seeing whose conversations you have pinned to the top.

 

And third, dedicate at least one hour each day to quality social interaction. Ideally, the minimum of one hour per day would be "engaging rather than rote."

Some of us are already putting into practice several of Killam's suggestions for ways to get all of this social connection in. For example, Killam suggests having a regular time to meet up with friends, which I do on Saturday mornings with my running buddies and Mom does once a week walking with her friends and once a month with her book group. Killam also suggests combining things you're already doing with social connection, which Cassie does when she calls home every Sunday morning on the way to work and Mom does when she calls friends and family members while walking around our neighborhood. As for quality social interaction, skip social media and have deeper conversations by asking more and better questions and, especially, follow-up questions, which shows you are listening to your conversation partner and curious about them. Sound familiar?

If you're looking to broaden your social circles, Franco has my favorite piece of advice, which is based on closing the "liking gap." That is a phenomenon shown in many social science studies in which people consistently underestimate how much their interaction partner will like them (before the fact) or did like them (after the interaction). The easy way to correct for this systematic bias is to assume people like you. Franco explains that "[w]hen we assume others will like us, we not only display behaviors that foreshadow our acceptance, we also become more accurate in our predictions of reality." Assuming people will like you helps you take the initiative in friendship, which someone has to do if you're going to make, and keep, friends.

 

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* See Kiffer Card, Cindy Yu, Adam Frost, Jocelle Refol, Pete Bombaci (2022) “Evidence Brief – How many friends do you need?” Canadian Alliance for Social Connection and Health; Kiffer Card, Cindy Yu, Adam Frost, Jocelle Refol, Pete Bombaci (2022) “Evidence Brief – How much social time do we need?” Canadian Alliance for Social Connection and Health.

 

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This won't be for all of you, but if you eat fish and have some leftover rice around, this is a protein-rich lunch that can't be any quicker and easier to prepare. It's surprisingly tasty, too.

 

Tuna Mayo Rice Bowl

Adapted from Eric Kim via the New York Times

Time: <7 minutes

I’m not a huge mayo fan so I went with 1½ tablespoons here, whereas the original recipe called for 2 tablespoons. If you think the tuna is a little dry, you can add the extra ½ tablespoon.

~1 cup cooked rice

1 (5-ounce) can of oil-packed tuna
21 grams (1½ tablespoons) mayonnaise (see note)
1 teaspoon (5 grams) toasted sesame oil
½ teaspoon soy sauce or tamari

For serving (all optional)

Toasted white or black sesame seeds
Furikake
Sliced scallions or snipped chives

    1. Place the cooked rice in a small serving bowl. For leftover rice, zap in the microwave until warmed through to your liking.
    2. Drain the tuna well, then transfer to a small bowl, Add the mayo, sesame oil, and soy sauce and mix well with a fork.
    3. Scrape the tuna mixture over the rice. Sprinkle whatever topping you’re using, if any, over the top. Serves 1.