You can be right or you can be married

In Episode 485, I relayed a favorite bit of relationship wisdom I had then recently heard: "When you disagree with a smart person, you are wrong 50% of the time." But now I've run across a corollary (superseding principle?) that is even better. Best of all, it comes from Terry Real,[1] a therapist [2] and author who Mom is a huge fan of, so there's no arguing with this one. Here it is:

You can be right or you can be married. 

Real goes so far as to list "being right" as the first of his five losing relationship strategies.[3] Fleshing this out in Us, Real explains that "[t]he relational answer to the question 'Who’s right and who’s wrong?' is 'Who cares?' The real question is 'How are we as a team going to approach the issue at hand in a way that works for both of us?'"[4] And, "would you rather make the case that you’re right, or would you rather make peace with your [partner] and help [them] feel better?"[5]

 

That's some good stuff right there.[6]

 

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[1] Nice glasses. 

[2] Including to Bruce Springsteen, who wrote the foreword to Real's book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship (2022).

[3] The others are: controlling your partner; unbridled self-expression; retaliation; and withdrawal. These are from Real's earlier book The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work (2007). Brief explanations of all five losing strategies are stated in the linked poster.

[4] Kindle location 2762.

[5] Kindle location 4254.

[6] Not Index Card of Fatherly Wisdom level, mind you, but still pretty darn good. 

 

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During the latest Seattle trip, I was going to show Dylan a new recipe for microwave sticky toffee pudding that Mom had recently deemed "infuckingcredible," but we didn't have any heavy cream, so we made The Last Microwave Chocolate Mug Cake instead. Last night, I made the sticky toffee pudding to use up some heavy cream that was on its last legs and split it with Brad. Brad, not one for overstatement, described this as "spectacular," "dangerously good," and the best microwave mug dessert we've had. There's not much I can add to that.

 

This, and all other microwave desserts, is now under a new heading in the Recipes index for "Dessert: Microwave." 

Microwave Sticky Toffee Pudding

Adapted from Ali Slagle via NYT Cooking (Feb. 25, 2025)

Time: <15 minutes

Sauce
14 grams (1 tablespoon) butter
25 grams (2 tablespoons) brown sugar
15 grams (1 tablespoon) heavy cream
Salt

Pudding
2 Medjool dates, pitted and chopped or snipped (~45 grams)
30 grams (2 tablespoons) heavy cream
14 grams (1 tablespoon) butter
¼ teaspoon baking soda
30 grams (¼ cup) all-purpose flour (I bet gluten-free flour would work)
12 grams (1 tablespoon) brown sugar
⅛ teaspoon ground cinnamon
Salt

To serve (optional)
Vanilla ice cream or whipped cream
A few toasted, chopped pecans (highly recommended)

    1. For the sauce: Place the butter in a small microwave-safe bowl. Zap in the microwave until melted, about 30 seconds. Add the sugar, cream, and a pinch of salt. Zap for 30 seconds, then stir. If the sugar isn’t melted yet, zap for another 30 seconds, then stir again. 
    2. For the pudding: Place the dates, cream, butter, and baking soda in a microwave-safe mug, bowl, or ramekin that holds at least 12 fluid ounces (1½ cups). Zap until the butter has melted, about 30 to 60 seconds depending on your microwave. Mash the dates with a fork.
    3. Add the flour sugar, cinnamon, and a pinch of salt, and stir until just combined. Spread into an even layer. Zap until the top of the pudding is just set, 45 to 60 seconds.
    4. Let cool for a minute. Top with ice cream, if using, then the sauce from step 1. Sprinkle with pecans, if using. Serves 1 or 2.