Losing my pretension

Lest you think UaKS is moving in a new, insufferably hoity-toity direction, what with all the recent talk of books and poetry, this episode will disabuse you of that notion. 

On Dylan's recommendation, Mom and I recently watched "Baby Cobra," Ali Wong's 2016 Netflix comedy special. Wong shares my same goal of not having to "work at a office every day," albeit for different reasons. I agree with Wong that it would be nice not to spend my whole life working for the man and instead "just stay at home all day and eat snacks and watch Ellen." But Wong would also prefer not having a day job because housewives

don’t gotta shit in a office[, which means] they don’t gotta muffle their shit, too. They don’t gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out. They don’t gotta try to, you know, squeeze the butt cheeks together to make sure that the doo doo comes out at a slow and steady pace, so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and brings you deep, deep shame. Housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much Netflix on their iPad as they want. They don’t gotta take these boring, repressed shits. They can listen to podcasts. Planet Money. They can do whatever they want.

You know, it’s very distracting for me when I hear my co-workers blow ass into the toilet. I lose respect for them. Nothing they say to me anymore holds any sort of credence. I heard one of my co-workers blow ass into the toilet the other day. This bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say, “You need to get to work on time.” I was like, “You need to eat bananas. I saw those green ballet flats. I know that shit was you. Don’t try to tell me to get my shit together when I heard you not have your shit together.”

This is usually more you all's sense of humor than mine (and Mom was laughing out loud, which is rare for anything other than her own jokes), but I've gotta admit I was laughing so hard at this bit that Mom thought I was going to pee on the sofa—not that anyone would notice since I was on the one that already smells like cat piss (sorry, Cassie). Anyway, "blowing ass" is now a new favorite expression around here.

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As soon as Thanksgiving is over, I tend to work on some recipes while they're on my mind. This year, I've been experimenting with pumpkin pie options for next year (more to follow). I also retooled the cranberry sauce just a bit from the old one. 

Cranberry-Orange Sauce

Time: 30 minutes to when the sauce is finished cooking

175 grams (¾ cup) water
175 grams (⅞ cup) granulated sugar
¼ teaspoon Diamond Crystal kosher salt
1 12-ounce package fresh or frozen (unthawed) cranberries, rinsed and picked through for duds and stems
grated zest and 2 tablespoons juice from 1 medium, well-washed orange (zest removed with a Microplane)

    1. In a medium saucepan, bring the water, sugar, and salt to a boil over medium-high heat. Stir in the cranberries and orange zest and return to a boil. Reduce the heat as needed to maintain a lively simmer. Cook, stirring occasionally, until almost all of the cranberries have popped and the sauce has thickened some, about 8 to 10 minutes from when you first add the cranberries and orange zest (add about 2 more minutes for frozen cranberries). Stir in the orange juice and cook for another minute.
    2. Cool completely. Serve, or cover and refrigerate for up to 1 week (let stand at room temperature for 30 minutes before serving). Makes 2¼ cups.