Avast, ye filthy porch pirates! episode II

As you know, I've been following the porch pirate problem with growing concern for years. Despite the video and other evidence I presented, you continued to make fun of me, blaming my New York roots for my "paranoia"—until the problem hit much closer to home, that is. When we went to visit Grandpa Guy over the Father's Day weekend, Brad had the great idea of having Bruce Springsteen's new CD delivered to me there on the very day it was being released, so we could listen to it on the drive back to C'ville. But there's always "a fly in the ointment, a monkey in the wrench," as John McClane would say. The envelope was delivered to Grandpa Guy's stoop, but it was empty. Some picaroon porch pirated Bruce! [1] And in the very spot where I developed my vigilant nature in the first place.

Only now can you truly appreciate the heavy psychic toll exacted by porch piracy. It's not just the item(s) that actually get stolen, it's the fear that it'll happen to something that's especially meaningful to you (as opposed to just me). For example, Cassie reminded me a few times to keep an eye out for a package for her that would be arriving while she was out of town. Earlier this week, I got an email from the U.S. Postal Service saying the package had been left at our mailbox, but when I got home there was no package anywhere to be found. I sent Cass the bad news, which led to some rapid-fire panicked texts:

Cassie                                            Me
Uh oh

I'm gonna be mad

That's my embroidery supplies

You checked everywhere?

Man I'm gonna stop ordering stuff

Stupid porch pirates

It says it was in the mailbox

Was the mail there?

                                                    Yeah

What the poop nuggets

Maybe it fell in the ditch next to
the mailbox

Did you even get an envelope or
nothing at all?

                                                    Nothing. I'll check the ditch again
                                                    after Jeopardy

This stinks [2]


Happily, when I went to check the mailbox and ditch again after finishing Jeopardy [3], I found the envelope leaning up against our front door, which means the package was probably just misdelivered to one of our neighbors, who brought it over after getting home from work. But you can see the sort of terroristic effect that porch piracy has, inculcating fear and doubt as to whether you'll ever actually see that package every time you hit the "buy" button online. Amazon and its ilk better figure out some way to combat this freebooting scourge before their entire business models end up in Davy Jones's locker.

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[1] "Bruce is the direct line to all that's true in this shitty world." I don't know if I've ever heard a line from a trailer that made me want to see a movie more. Coming to a theater near you on August 14.



[2] This exchange pales by comparison with Mom's profanity-laced text storm from the DMV (am I right?), but it's pretty impressive nonetheless.

[3] Notice my priorities here: watching Final Jeopardy before attending to my beloved daughter's psychological trauma.

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It's prime time at the City Market for summer fruits and veggies. I've already made this salad using fresh corn and luscious, ripe tomatoes from the Market twice, and it's a big hit with the whole family. The second time we were pretty much able to make a whole meal out of it for four people by using tortilla chips to scoop up the salad more like a dip. So good.

Southwestern Black Bean and Corn Salad

Adapted from America’s Test Kitchen via the Associated Press

Time from start to finish: 28 minutes

Dressing
2 scallions, green and white parts thinly sliced on the bias
3 tablespoons (44 grams) lime juice from 1½ limes
1 tablespoon (13 grams) extra-virgin olive oil
1½ teaspoons minced chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
¼ teaspoon fine sea salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Salad
1 tablespoon (13 grams) extra-virgin olive oil
2 ears corn, kernels cut from cobs
⅛ teaspoon fine sea salt
1 (15 ounce) can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 ripe tomato, cored and cut into ½-inch pieces
1 ripe avocado, halved, pitted, and cut into ½-inch pieces
3 tablespoons minced fresh cilantro
Tortilla chips, for serving (optional)

    1. For the dressing: In a large bowl, whisk the dressing ingredients together.
    2. For the salad: Heat the oil in a medium skillet over a little more (1 or 2 notches) than medium heat until hot. Stir in the corn and salt. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the kernels are spotty brown, about 5 to 6 minutes.
    3. Place the corn, beans, and tomato into the large bowl with the dressing and toss to coat. Gently fold in the avocado and cilantro. Taste for seasoning. Serve with tortilla chips, if desired. Makes 4 to 6 servings.