The utility of the poop knife

One of the funniest things I've ever read is the personal essay "Big Boy" by David Sedaris (Esquire, Nov. 1999; later included in his collection Me Talk Pretty One Day (2000), $1 at the book sale). (It's only 715 words; stop reading this episode and go check it out right now.) The gist is that Sedaris is at a dinner party with friends and excuses himself to use the john. But there he finds "the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life—no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito." Sedaris flushes the toilet twice, but the big boy refuses to budge. Then someone knocks on the door to take their turn and Sedaris panics, afraid that they'll think he laid the enormous loaf. So Sedaris finds a plunger and uses the handle to "break the turd into manageable pieces," which he finally gets to go down the toilet with one last flush.

If only Sedaris had had access to the Original Poop Knife (motto: "it's a real thing"), there would have been nothing to fear. What is a poop knife? I'm glad you asked because I only just heard about it at Uncle Clint's birthday party. The Original Poop Knife* is a thin instrument, shaped kinda like a jar scraper, and made out of "hygienic silicone," which you'll be relieved to know is "easy to clean" and "dishwasher safe," just in case you wanted to take this thing straight from cutting poops in your john to your sink or dishwasher for a cleaning. The silicone surrounds a "strong metal core" for "ultimate poop cutting power." And best of all, it's 9.8 inches long so you can cut those hard-to-reach poops in the bottom of the bowl while keeping your hands "clear of the Danger Zone." All that design excellence can be yours for a mere $19.99 (makes a great stocking stuffer!).

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*The story of the original poop knife first appeared in a Reddit post by "Learned Butt," in whose family "everyone births giant logs of crap" that were so often unflushable his family started using a rusty old kitchen knife to cut their turds up to stop the overflowing toilets.

 

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A slightly more appetizing part of Uncle Clint's birthday party was this chicken shawarma, which is oven roasted for convenience instead of being cooked on the usual spit (but feel free to use a spit if you have one lying around). The marinade comes together quickly and the dish is quite tasty, especially when served with the white (lemon-yogurt) sauce as part of a Mediterranean spread. Note to Dylan (the only one of you who might actually make this): The marinade is pretty lemony, using two lemons' worth of juice, so you might want to cut back some in keeping with your usual practice.

 

Oven-Roasted Chicken Shawarma

Adapted from Sam Sifton via the New York Times

Time:

For the marinade
90 grams/100 ml (scant ½ cup) olive oil
2 lemons, juiced
6 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon kosher salt
½ teaspoon turmeric
⅛ teaspoon pinch ground cinnamon
crushed red pepper flakes, to taste
2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs

To cook
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 large red onion, ends trimmed, peeled, and cut into 8 wedges
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

    1. For the marinade: In a medium bowl, whisk together the marinade ingredients. Place the chicken thighs in a gallon-size ziplock plastic bag. Pour in the marinade and toss to coat the chicken. Squeeze out as much or the air as possible, then seal. Store in the fridge for at least 1 hour and up to 12 hours. (You can also marinate the chicken in the bowl if you have room in your fridge for it.)
    2. When you’re ready to cook, place a rack in the center of the oven; heat to 425 degrees. Spray an 18-by-13-inch half-sheet pan with nonstick spray. Coat with the 1 tablespoon olive oil.
    3. Add the onion wedges to the bag with the chicken and marinade, and toss to combine. Remove the chicken and onion wedges from the marinade (discard excess marinade), and spread evenly across the pan. Roast until the chicken is browned, crisp at the edges and cooked through, about 30 minutes. (The internal temperature of the thighs should be at least 165 degrees and up to 175 degrees.)
    4. Remove the chicken to a cutting board. Allow the chicken to rest for a few minutes, then cut into bite-sized pieces. Transfer to a serving platter with the onion wedges. Sprinkle the parsley over the top. Serve with pita, chopped tomatoes and cucumbers, olives, rice, feta, white sauce (see recipe below), and some kind of hot sauce. Serves 4 to 6. 

 

 

White Sauce

(Lemon-Yogurt)

 

Adapted from Nutritious Delicious (2017) by America's Test Kitchen

Time: 8 minutes

 

227 grams (1 cup) plain Greek yogurt (whole-milk or 2%)

30 grams (2 tablespoons) mayonnaise

30 grams (2 tablespoons) freshly squeezed lemon juice

1 teaspoon grated lemon zest + 2 tablespoons juice
1 garlic clove, minced or pureed with a pinch of salt
pinch of fine sea salt

za'atar, for serving (optional)

In a small bowl, whisk all of the ingredients except the za'atar together until smooth. Let sit until the flavors meld, about 30 minutes. Taste for seasoning. Sprinkle with a pinch of za'atar before serving, if desired. Makes ~1⅛ cups. The sauce can be stored in the fridge for up to 24 hours.