You can do evil and get off scot-free

If you're wondering what your next (or first) job should be, let me direct your attention to ransomware. In May 2019, the cybercriminals behind the GandCrab ransomware attacks announced they were terminating the program because they had earned so much money (north of $2 billion, with weekly income of $2.5 million) that they could retire on a beach somewhere. Their master plan certainly worked out better for them than it did for Hans Gruber.

 

 

 

But just like Hans Gruber, these criminals had a sense of humor. In their farewell notice, the crooks said:

We ourselves have earned over US $150 million in one year. This money has been successfully cashed out and invested in various legal projects, both online and offline ones. It has been a pleasure to work with you. But, like we said, all things come to an end. We are getting a well-deserved retirement. We are a living proof that you can do evil and get off scot-free. We have proved that one can make a lifetime of money in one year. We have proved that you can become number one by general admission, not in your own conceit

So there it is: You can make a lifetime of money in one year if you choose the right career path. Choose wisely.

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And speaking of evil: I've been running with great pleasure past the empty holes where the statutes of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson used to pollute the views of downtown Charlottesville. Ben Hitchcock, the editor of C-ville Weekly, was apparently having the same thought, because he wrote in the August 4 – 10 issue how glad he was to be able to eat his lunch in what is now Market Street Park (formerly Lee Park) next to the raggedly little garden that has sprouted up where Lee's statute used to be, "rather than in the shadow of a racist monument." In addition to the makeshift garden, Hitchcock also appreciated the sidewalk graffiti reading "Fuck Robert E. Lee and the horse he rode out on." Which proves that graffiti artists can be just as funny as (and have better grammar than) cybercriminals.

 

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While we were in Seattle, Dylan thoughtfully ordered us a pile of bagels from Mt. Bagel. The bagels are only available by delivery and you have to get your online order in promptly because they are "the Hamilton ticket of bagels" in Seattle and sell out quickly. In addition to a couple of dozen bagels, Dylan also ordered tubs of spicy scallion and cinnamon date cream cheese. The bagels are really good, thick and airy, so different from, if not quite approaching the classic perfection of, Bodo's bagels ("best in the world"). What Bodo's can learn a thing or two from is the cream cheese, especially the cinnamon date cream cheese, which is infuckingcredible, as your beautiful but profane mother would say.

 

So of course, one of my first tasks after getting back from Seattle was to recreate Mt. Bagel's cinnamon date cream cheese. Thankfully, it wasn't difficult. I just whirred a tub of Bodo's plain cream cheese (softened a little first) with some soft Medjool dates and a little cinnamon, and Brad and I were in business. I actually kinda think my version is a little better, because I love dates and packed some extra date pieces into mine, but I obviously haven't been able to do a side-by-side taste test. Either way, this is some righteous stuff.

Cinnamon Date Cream Cheese

 

Time: <10 minutes

 

1 tub (~8 ounces/227 grams) of Bodo's plain cream cheese (or Philadelphia or some such, if you must, though it makes me sad for you), softened a bit at room temperature

4 large, soft Medjool dates, pitted and torn or snipped into rough pieces

¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon, or to taste

Place the ingredients in the workbowl of a food processor, mini food processor, or similar device. Pulse until the dates are chopped and well distributed but not completely pureed, with some decent sized shards remaining. Once the date pieces are the right size, finish stirring by hand for even distribution. Store in the fridge.