It's the little things

I recently read an interesting study on using "[e]veryday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships." (Sara B. Algoe, Shelly L. Gable, and Natalya C. Maisel, It’s the little things. Personal Relationships, 17 (2010), 217–233.) The authors studied 67 heterosexual cohabiting couples (134 people total) who had been in a romantic relationship for at least three months. Every night for two weeks, the participants recorded their own and their partner's "thoughtful actions, their emotional response to interactions with their partner, and their relationship well being from that day." Each participant responded "yes" or "no" to two questions to measure (1) their own behavior that day ("I did something thoughtful for my partner"), and (2) their perception of the partner's responsive behavior that day ("My partner did something thoughtful for me"). Participants also reported on (1) their emotional responses to their partner's actions that day (e.g., thankfulness, appreciation, gratitude, indebtedness), (2) their relationship satisfaction that day (on a scale from terrific to terrible), and (3) their relationship connection that day (happy, connected, out of touch, responded to). 

Out of the 1,768 days of reports, participants indicated that their partner did something thoughtful for them 698 times (39.5%; males 36%, females 43%) and that they did something thoughtful for their partner 601 times (34.1%; males 33%, females 35%). The authors found that thoughtful behaviors (or even perceived thoughtful behaviors) predicted that the recipient would feel gratitude toward their partner as a result of interactions from the day. In turn, gratitude toward the benefactor uniquely predicted increases in feelings of relationship quality (satisfaction and connection) from the previous day for both recipient and benefactor. In other words, "[m]en and women with grateful partners felt more connected to the partner and more satisfied with the romantic relationship than they had the previous day." The authors surmised that the conscious experience of gratitude plays an important role in increasing relationship quality within an ongoing romantic relationship through a "remind-bind" mechanism, that is, "gratitude is thought to signal attention to the quality of the relationship with the benefactor (i.e., to remind) and to make the recipient feel close and connected to the benefactor (i.e., to bind)." In that way, gratitude may help to create an "upward spiral" of relational well-being between romantic partners.

Now, if you were paying close attention to the raw numbers above, you will have noted that there was some disagreement between partners as to when one had engaged in a thoughtful behavior toward the other. In fact, the participants agreed with their partner only 61% of the time (i.e., they both answered "yes" or "no" to whether their partner had done something thoughtful for them that day). Something I thought was really fascinating, but that didn't get a lot of play in the article, was that half the time one person reported that they had done something thoughtful for their partner, the other partner disagreed. Take that, smart guy! There you were, smug in the thought that you'd done a solid for your partner and were going to earn some Seinfeldian "hand" in the relationship, and your partner didn't even notice!

 

So how do you avoid the tragedy of a good deed wasted? You have to pick the right thoughtful act. The key is not whether the recipient was in need of a boost but whether the benefactor is "responsive to the self," that is, "the needs and wishes of the recipient." In short, you have to do some work to understand your partner's wishes and needs and then respond to those, which is "central to feelings of intimacy and closeness." Exercise those empathy muscles. Good luck.

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If you or your partner are needing a good meal, try this one. I made this for Mom and Brad and we all loved it, with Brad going so far as say, "This is one of the best things I've ever tasted." That's even better than Mom's favorite descriptors for a really good meal! (And Dylan says they're "the bomb," so the consensus is building.)

Dylan's taco bowl

 

Cassie's taco bowl

Tofu Taco Bowls

Adapted from Chris Morocco in Bon Appétit (Feb. 2021)

Time: ~45 minutes

1 14- to 16-ounce block of extra-firm tofu

2 teaspoons ground coriander

1 teaspoon ancho powder chile or smoked paprika, or a combination (I used ¼ teaspoon ancho powder + ¾ teaspoon smoked paprika)

1 teaspoon ground cumin

½ teaspoon ground fennel seeds, optional (I grind the fennel seeds myself using this device)

¼ cup (53 grams) extra-virgin olive oil

Kosher salt

2 garlic cloves, smashed with the side of a chef's knife

1 tablespoon (15 grams) tomato paste

1 cup (236 grams) water

2 teaspoons (10 grams) hot sauce (I used sambal oelek)

To serve

Cooked white rice or Thai Coconut Rice

shredded red cabbage or Shortcut Taco Slaw

sliced avocado

crumbled cotija or queso fresco

chopped cilantro

Spicy Cashew Sauce (made with chipotle powder)

lime wedges

    1. Press the tofu, ideally starting at least an hour before cooking. Place the tofu, either whole or halved lengthwise, on a plate, top with another plate, and place a cast-iron skillet or a few heavy books on top of the second plate. Press for an hour or more, if you have the time.

    2. When you’re ready to cook, tear the pressed tofu into 1-inch pieces.

    3. Combine the coriander, chile powder, cumin, and fennel in a small prep bowl.

    4. Heat the oil in a 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Stir in the tofu pieces. Season with a good pinch of kosher salt, and cook, stirring and/or tossing occasionally (not constantly), until golden brown and crisp around the edges, about 5 to 7 minutes. Using a silicone spatula, break the tofu up into ½-inch pieces. Add the garlic and continue cooking, stirring and/or tossing occasionally, until the tofu is golden brown and crisp all over, about 3 minutes more.

    5. Turn the heat down to medium. Stir in the spice mixture and cook, stirring constantly, until the spices are fragrant and deepen in color, about 30 seconds. Stir in the tomato paste and cook, stirring constantly, until the paste is a deep red, about 1 minute.

    6. Stir in the water and hot sauce. Cook, stirring occasionally and adjusting the heat as needed to maintain a lively simmer, until the sauce thickens, about 7 minutes. Taste for seasoning.

    7. Fill the bottom of four bowls with rice. Spoon onto the rice little piles of tofu and sauce, shredded red cabbage, and avocado slices. Top with crumbled cheese, chopped cilantro, and Spicy Cashew Sauce, Serve with lime wedges. Serves 4.