A trip to the ER

You know when you're watching a sporting event and those ads come on for Viagra or other ED drugs and they say to contact your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours? Believe them!

 

When Mom went to the ER last week,[1] she could hear everything in the room next door, and what she heard was a 38-year-old dude suffering from Viagra-induced priapism [2] and hollering his head off. In the spirit of a trip to the DMV, here are the highlights of our ensuing text exchange [3]:

 

Mom                                                 Me

Guy just came in with priapism.

He in some serious pain. 

                                                       Seriously? Priapism? How does that                                                        happen?

Viagra?

Sounds like he is in labor.

                                                       Ouch! Can't he just beat off and have

                                                       an orgasm and then it'll go down?

Apparently not. Going to surgery.

                                                       Oh god, dick surgery! This is prime blog

                                                       material [4]

 

Good advertisement not to use

viagra. String of cussing coming

from next door.

 

                                                       Good thing I don't need it

                                                       [wink Memoji]

He says it's gonna pop

                                                       His dick? I thought he went to surgery

Not yet. I think he is going now.

Poor dude. That was some

serious pain

Mom was discharged soon after this last text, so we didn't get to hear how the story ended. But man, talk about learning your lesson the hard way. [5]

 

---------

[1] Maybe I should have led with this fact. She's fine now.

 

[2] The Mayo Clinic defines priapism as a "persistent erection [that] continues hours beyond or isn't caused by sexual stimulation." According to NBC News, the condition is "[n]amed for Priapus, the Greek god of fertility who sported an oversized, eternally-erect penis (so large, in fact, he used it to frighten away anyone who tried to plunder his gardens)." I bet that would work way better than a scarecrow! I wonder if our homeowners' association would let us put up a full-sized statute of Priapus to keep anyone or anything from plundering Mom's gardens?

 

[3] Due to COVID-19 restrictions, I was not allowed to go into the ER with Mom.

 

[4] Never say I didn't teach you to always keep your priorities straight. 

[5] Sorry, I couldn't help myself. 😈

 

*********

 

I used to make this ridiculously easy focaccia (King Arthur Flour also refers to it as "blitz bread") for you regularly, but then I forgot about it (probably in the great gluten-free purge) and hadn't made it in years. For some reason, it popped into my head that UaKS could use an easy focaccia recipe, so here it is. As is her wont, Mom is foregoing GF and partaking liberally, having pronounced it "heavenly."

It's a sticky dough

The risen dough, in the pan

No-Fuss Focaccia

Time from start to finish: 1:40 (<10 minutes to make the dough)

Adapted from King Arthur Flour (recipe, with brief video) (blog)

The blog post accompanying the recipe says you should also be able to make the dough in your food processor with the heretofore unused plastic dough blade; just process until the dough is well-mixed and sticky like in the photo above. (Let me know if anyone tries this and it works and I’ll edit the recipe.) Flaky sea salt is best for sprinkling over the top, but you can use Diamond Crystal kosher salt too. I used an Italian Seasoning blend of dried herbs for the topping, but just dried oregano or coarsely chopped fresh rosemary (or nothing but salt) would be good too. An everything bagel seasoning blend (Trader Joe’s or homemade—½ teaspoon each of sesame seeds, poppy seeds, dried minced garlic, dried onion flakes, and salt) is another option. You can try subbing in up to 180 grams (1½ cups) white whole-wheat flour.

25 grams (~2 tablespoons) extra-virgin olive oil
355 grams (1½ cups) warm water
35 grams (scant 3 tablespoons) extra-virgin olive oil
1½ teaspoons fine sea salt
420 grams (3½ cups) unbleached all-purpose flour (see note)
1 tablespoon instant yeast (I use SAF Red; this is the correct amount—it's a lot of yeast)

Topping: extra-virgin olive oil for drizzling; flaky sea salt (such as Maldon); dried herbs or coarsely chopped fresh rosemary (see note)

    1. Spray a 13-by-9-inch baking pan lightly with nonstick cooking spray. Drizzle the 25 grams oil over the spray.
    2. Weigh and measure the water, 35 grams oil, fine sea salt, flour, and yeast into the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (see note). Stir on low speed until combined, then beat at medium-high speed (6 on our KitchenAid) for 1 minute.
    3. Using a silicone spatula, scrape the very sticky dough into the prepared pan. Get some of the oil onto your fingertips, then nudge the dough toward the corners as best as you can (it doesn't have to be perfect; the dough will expand into the corners as it rises). Cover the pan with plastic wrap or a clean dish towel (if you use a towel, don't let it sag). Let the dough rise for 1 hour.
    4. Towards the end of the rising time, place a rack in the center of the oven, and heat to 375 degrees.
    5. Using your oiled fingertips, gently poke indents all over the dough. Drizzle lightly with oil. Sprinkle generously with flaky sea salt and the herb(s) of your choice.
    6. Bake until the focaccia is golden brown, about 25 to 30 minutes. The top will be firm right when you take the bread out but will soften quickly as it cools.
    7. Cool in the pan for no more than 5 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack to cool further. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Cheese-Stuffed Focaccia
At the end of step 2, stir 115 grams (1 cup) of diced, crumbled, or coarsely grated cheese (such as feta, Cheddar, provolone, Asiago, or Parmesan) into the dough once it's been kneaded for 1 minute.