Seven marriage strategies from social science

One of my latest reads was about using social science findings to shore up your marriage. The book is For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage (2010) by Tara Parker-Pope, who has been a journalist at the New York Times, Washington Post, and Wall Street Journal. There are lots of interesting findings cited in the book, toward the end of which Parker-Pope sums up that "[g]ood marriages require daily maintenance and positive feedback to help couples stay connected." She then provides seven strategies that studies have shown "successful couples use to stay happy and bolster the strength of their marriage," some of which I've already discussed here. The seven strategies are:

1. Celebrate good news by making a big deal out of the high points. This includes taking pride in your partner's accomplishments as well as "[m]aking a fuss over the small, good things that happen every day." (I covered this one way back in the early days of UaKS.)
   
2. Do marriage math by keeping the right ratio of positive to negative interactions, which is five to one according to the well-known marriage researcher John Gottman. These don't all have to be grand gestures, as even just nice comments and smiles "go far in a marriage, they are easy to do, and they will help insulate your marriage from being damaged by the inevitable bad days."
3. Keep your standards high by wanting and expecting to be treated well and to keep romance and passion in your marriage. The science says that your chances of having a better, more satisfying relationship are improved by holding your partner to a reasonably high standard.
4. Pay attention to family and friends, too, as taking a break to increase your connections with family, friends, and community is good for your marriage, and for you as an individual. (I've covered this one many times.)
5. Don't expect your partner to make you happy. Parker-Pope says that "as individuals, we aren’t dependent on marriage as a main source of life happiness," and we shouldn't be, as it puts too much pressure on the marriage to be the primary provider of life satisfaction for each partner. (See #4.)
6. Just do it. I'll quote directly from location 4077 in the Kindle version of the book so I can't be accused of making this shit up: "Sex won’t solve all of your marital problems, but it will certainly help. The simple act of having sex — even when you’re not in the mood — harnesses your body’s brain chemistry, unleashing the chemicals vasopressin and oxytocin. These are powerful bonding chemicals."
7. Reignite romance by having a regular date night, but reinventing it to include new and unusual experiences, as "novelty — simply doing new things together as a couple — may help bring the butterflies back, re-creating the chemical surges of early courtship." I've talked about date night, including trying novel things, here at UaKS and in my wedding toast to Cassie and JC.

So, that's a boatload of unsolicited advice in one episode. Do with it what you will.

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Something else that's proven to be good for relationships is having family dinner together as often as possible. This is a healthy and relatively easy one that we all like.

 

 

Stir-Fried Celery with Cashews and Tofu

Adapted from Hetty Lui McKinnon via the New York Times (July 14, 2023)

Time: ~35 minutes

It took some doing to get the quantities right in this one: we ended up doubling the sauce, tripling the tofu, and using 1½ times the celery. You can use pre-toasted cashew pieces, but don’t add them to the pan until step 6 along with the tofu. If you use super firm tofu, there's no need to press it. Trader Joe's Organic High Protein Super Firm Tofu won a relatively recent taste test of store-bought tofu.

Sauce
118 grams (½ cup) vegetable stock or water
75 grams (5 tablespoons) Shaoxing rice wine or dry sherry
45 grams (2 tablespoons + 2 teaspoons) tamari or soy sauce
4 teaspoons cornstarch or arrowroot powder

Stir Fry
2 tablespoons oil such as avocado or sunflower
340 grams / 12 ounces celery, trimmed and cut into ¼-inch slices on the bias
140 grams / 5 ounces (1 cup) raw cashew pieces (see note)
1 (1-inch) piece of fresh ginger, peeled and grated or finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, grated or finely chopped
3 scallions, trimmed and sliced on the bias
140 grams / 5 ounces dark, leafy greens such as kale or baby spinach, cut into 2-inch pieces if necessary
1 (15- or 16-ounce) package super firm tofu, cut into bite-sized cubes (see note)
½ teaspoon five-spice powder, optional

Kosher salt

To serve
Cooked brown or white rice
Toasted sesame seeds

    1. In a small bowl, whisk together all of the sauce ingredients until smooth.
    2. In a wok or the largest skillet you have, heat the oil over medium-high heat until hot. Stir in the celery and cook, tossing, until the celery is slightly softened, 2 to 3 minutes.
    3. Stir in the cashew pieces when the celery is almost ready.
    4. Make a space in the center of the pan. Add the ginger, garlic, and most of the scallion slices. Cook, stirring constantly, until fragrant, about 30 seconds.
    5. Stir in the greens, and cook until wilted, about 2 minutes.
    6. Stir in the tofu and five-spice powder, if using. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the tofu is warmed through, about 2 minutes.
    7. Whisk the sauce to re-combine, then add to the pan and stir until everything is evenly coated. Cook until the sauce thickens, about 2 minutes. Taste for salt.
    8. Serve over cooked rice, topped with sesame seeds and the remaining scallions. Serves 4.